Johnny Depp’s Guide to Cooking Dogs

You can always trust a celebrity, especially when they’re as fuckable as J-Depp. So as per his recent statement about killing and eating his dogs, Pistol and Boo, in accordance with the ruling by our sweatiest politician, Barnaby “Big Guts” Joyce. We find ourselves wondering how J-Deezy would have followed through with it.

I assume that killing any dog for food is like killing any sheep. And since J-Dizzle seems like a new age kind of guy who wants to keep cultures alive, he obviously did it Halal style. Now in accordance with certain laws in this country (assuming he killed and ate them here) he would have stunned the dogs before stringing them up and slicing their throats. Now we have to be real here, he did it in character, so just imagine him doing it dressed as Jack Sparrow.

So obviously he would have followed all the rules that you need to follow in slaughtering the animals. But he also would have collected the blood for later use, perhaps to make black pudding or simply something to wash his grotesque pirate body in.

Now that the dogs are dead he would have had to make a grand decision… Does he cook them and risk burning his ship set? Or does he eat them raw?

Obviously he eats them raw. I mean, come on. If the dogs are good enough to smuggle into a country, breaking strict quarantine laws and potentially corrupting our environment, killing many native animals that aren’t well versed in foreign insects, disease; other things probably, then he can just enjoy the raw meat of his much loved pets. Because you know, its fine to just bring anything into this country and think things will be alright. We don’t have any issues with introduced species in this country at all.

Now that Pistol and Boo are dead I think that we need to say a big fuck you to Barnaby Joyce. You can’t treat celebrities like they aren’t celebrities you sweaty moron. Celebrities are better than us and are allowed to break any laws they want. In fact, I think Johnny Depp is in no way overrated. In fact I think he’s so great that he can get his next dogs sick, bring them over to play with my dog and my kids, and then bang my wife.

You’re welcome Australia.

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I'm Allan John Quinn. Get out.